The Hard Truth About Adoption and Marriage

Some marriages don't make it through adoption. I won't pretend otherwise.

I watched several couples we admired in our early adoption journey end in divorce. I lived through seasons where I believed divorce was never an option—until I realized that knowing separation was a viable choice gave me the freedom to stay.

That distinction mattered. It wasn't about threatening to leave. It was about recognizing that space apart could either strain a marriage or give it breathing room to strengthen. Sometimes weeks or months apart happened because of circumstance—a medically fragile child, work obligations, safety concerns.

Sometimes space apart isn't about the marriage at all. It's about protecting a spouse or younger siblings when a child or teen is struggling with aggression or violence.

Mental health options for adopted children with moderate to severe emotional disturbances are not as available as we'd all like to believe. Parents are often left making impossible choices with no good options.

If you're reading this and wondering whether your marriage can survive adoption, I need you to hear two things:

Strain is normal. Crisis is not inevitable.
Having options creates the safety to commit.

Some marriages will end. Others will be forged stronger in the fire.

The difference often comes down to whether both partners are willing to name the reality before it names them.

Finding Help When You Need It

I can't give you a list of therapists that will stay current. What I can give you is a framework for finding help that won't make things worse—and that aligns with your family's values.

Start With National Resources:

American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) – Faith-aligned directory
Therapy for Adoptive Families – Adoption-competent providers (verify faith alignment separately)
State licensing boards – Verify credentials and check for disciplinary history
Post-Adoption Support Organizations – Often maintain referral lists

The Two-Way Filter:

Many providers will pass one test but fail the other. You need both.

Competence Red Flags:

Dismissive of attachment disorders or developmental trauma
No experience with adopted adolescents or aggression/violence
Won't meet with multiple family members
No clear crisis protocols

Values Red Flags:

Dismissive of faith as a coping mechanism
Unwilling to incorporate prayer or spiritual practices if requested
Pushing secular frameworks that conflict with your worldview
Judgmental about your parenting choices or family structure

The Prayer Filter:

Before you commit to any provider, pray over the decision. Ask:

Does this person honor the whole child—body, mind, and spirit?
Will they partner with me, or position themselves as the authority?
Can I trust them with my family's deepest struggles?

Sometimes the peace (or lack thereof) you feel in that conversation is data. Don't ignore it.

Crisis Resources:

National crisis lines for immediate safety concerns
Local emergency services when violence escalates
Your pediatrician for medical/psychiatric referrals

This isn't about finding the perfect provider. It's about finding one who won't make things worse while you navigate the system.

Important To Note:

If you're in active crisis and can't find a provider who checks both boxes, prioritize safety and competence first. You can layer in faith alignment as you stabilize. Your child's immediate safety matters more than perfect alignment.

If you're overwhelmed by this search, that's exactly where coaching comes in. I help parents navigate these systems so they don't have to figure it out alone.

💬 Share your comments, questions or other feedback on this blog post with the “contact” option in the dropdown menu at the top of this page

Drop me a note at hi@thepostadoptionmomcoach.org